My 5 Stages of eHarmony

July 19, 2012 in Dating

Has it been an entire month since I’ve blogged?!  I’m back from my travels and slightly sad that Atlanta doesn’t have a beach.  Today also marks two months since I’ve been on eHarmony, so I thought that I’d give you a little glimpse into my eHarmony experience.

I was pretty enthusiastic and optimistic (and a little tipsy on wine) when I opened my eHarmony account.  Seemingly normal matches entered my inbox and I was hopeful that a few of them would start communicating with me.  I downloaded the eHarmony app on my phone and hoped for the best.  There were ten or twelve guys appearing in my account each day, so surely I’d be compatible with one of them…right?

After a few days on eHarmony, it becomes apparent that my matches are…hmmm, how do I put this?  Less than ideal.  I can look beyond the fact that they all seem to be 5’7 and shorter, but I can’t deal with the men who are holding guns in all of their pictures, have several photos that include their ex-wives, or have a mullet in 2012.  There’s nothing wrong with a little business in the front, party in the back, but that’s not a party I want an invitation to.  Surely these incompatible matches must be a fluke.

No! This is NOT a fluke. After over a month on eHarmony, I decide that it is horrible. I start thinking about all of the things I could’ve bought instead of an eHarmony subscription. That money could buy 56 pops from my summer obsession, the King of Pops, 17 drinks from the pool bar at my hotel in St. Thomas or a really nice pair of heels (that would make me tower over any potential dates I would meet on eHarmony).

I may have neglected to mention that there are a few normal guys on eHarmony.  The problem is that they’re totally disinterested in me.  This realization made me start doubting myself and wonder if maybe I’m also an eHarmony loser.  Maybe I’m too fat, my hair is too short, my profile is too wordy or I’m socially awkward.  What is wrong with me?!  I felt like drowning my sorrows in a pint of ice cream, but instead I had a friend critique my profile and she (kindly) assured me that I’m not a freak.

I’m sure that eHarmony works for a lot of people, but maybe it’s just not for me.  I’m sticking with it for another month, but I’m willing to bet that you’ll never see me in one of their commercials.  There is one seemingly normal guy who messages me, but he lives 200 miles away and a date is probably impractical in the near future.  I’ll try to remain cautiously optimistic and I’ll let you know how my last month of online dating goes.

In non-eHarmony news, a 75 year old man asked me for my phone number last week (I wish I were kidding).  Why must dating be such a hot mess of an experience for me?

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Kalee July 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I sure hope you aren’t a freak because I always love your blog posts!! I feel like I can relate to every word, and I love your humor! That stinks about eHarmony though! :( It only takes one right?? The people I mentioned before ended up meeting the day her membership was expiring…just saying 😉


Single & Saving July 31, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Thanks, Kalee :) I’m going to hold out on closing my subscription until right before it closes because of that story. Maybe there’s still hope for an eHarmony miracle?


Jess October 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Hey I just actually signed up for the whole 3-month eharmony thing out of sheer impulse. It’s only been about an hour and I already regret it. I expect to go through a similar five stages in then next three months (optimistic I know). Online dating can be such a shallow environment. How did your last month go? Was the experience worth the cost?


Single & Saving October 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Good luck! I didn’t have any success getting dates from it, but I have friends who have met great guys on eHarmony. For me, it wasn’t worth the cost, but I’m glad that I gave it a shot (even if that meant learning that online dating wasn’t for me).


Lucy September 18, 2013 at 6:52 pm

…..just an idea. If you didn’t want short guys and ex wives. All you have to do is say no to short guys and ex wives in the questionnaire. Simple.


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